Continued from last month….
The following are a few simple, but powerful, principles to stop pretending everything is fine and begin to change your life.
First, be honest. I used to believe that certain feelings were off limits for a good Christian wife – like depression, anger, and sadness. These were seen as being weak and not measuring up to being a good role model of a pastor’s spouse. I was wrong. God uses them to speak to us in profound, significant ways about his will and desires for us. For example my depression was an important sign that I was denying certain feelings or going beyond my human limits – being too busy or not getting enough alone time after being with people. I needed to pay attention to all my feelings, understand them and discern how God was coming to me through them and make the necessary adjustments in my life.
Second, seek help. After I was finally able to be honest with myself, and then my husband, about how I was truly feeling on the inside (for example, I did not respect his leadership or admit my anger), I needed to share it with another mature person.
Honesty is messy. It is a gift to have an objective, mature person that can help you discern what God is telling you. Honesty without boundaries can be destructive. Isolating yourself out of shame, I learned, is equally destructive. The truth in love, as Scripture teaches, is powerful.
Third, take personal responsibility for your life. One of the most important lessons of all was realizing that nobody is responsible for me except me. I do not blame my husband for those difficult years. Up to that point in our married life, I had unconsciously given responsibility for my life to him. I had not been forthright in declaring my wishes, needs, desires, and goals. I was so caught up in the image of a “good Christian pastor’s wife” that never wanted to appear difficult.
Many women, in particular, are frustrated because their needs and desires are secondary to their husband, their children, and their ministry. Their potential in God is suffocated. This is a tragedy.
Fourth, learn to stop over-functioning. The spouse of any leader is in a very unique position. The responsibilities and demands of a leader naturally put the leader in the spotlight and the center of attention. You then, as the spouse, are in the vulnerable position where your needs become secondary to the leader’s goals and life. This is not healthy. As a wise rabbi once said, “To live unfaithfully to yourself is to do others great damage.”
My husband was able to do so much beyond his own human limits at church because of all I was carrying in our home and as a parent. I was doing double parenting duty, not taking time for myself, and compromising my own marriage vision. In short, my over-functioning at home enabled him to under-function on the home front.
I have learned not to over-function for my husband and to allow him to bear the consequences for his decisions and choices. This has matured and changed him.
Let me ask you: What can be more important for a leader than the quality of his or her marriage? Scripture makes it clear we are to minister out of our lives. Yet the reality is few of us invest the time, energy or resources necessary to have marriages worth emulating.
The “deadness” in you and your marriage is an indicator that something is desperately wrong. God wants to bring about change.
Have the courage to feel and be honest. Start with yourself, then with God and then with your spouse. “And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free” (Jn. 8:32).
Article by Geri Scazzero (for PWF 2015 Conference)
